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Judith Bardwick, Psychology of Women: A Study of Bio-Cultural Conflicts

What is dependence? In the beginning it is the normal infant’s way of relating to people. Later, in children and in adults, it seems to be a way of coping with stress, a reaction to frustration, or a protection against future frustration. It can be affectional--the grasping and forcing of affection or protective behavior from someone else, especially from an adult. Dependent behavior can also be a coping behavior--one gets help in order to solve a problem that he cannot solve himself. It can also be aggressive--by grabbing attention or affection for oneself someone else is prevented from receiving it. In all cases, dependence is a lack of independence. Dependence is leaning on someone else to provide support.

By itself “dependence” is a neutral word. Like many terms is psychology its meaning is clearest when the behavior it describes is extreme. Both dependence and independence can refer to normal and healthy personality qualities or to deviant and unhealthy qualities. Extreme independence can be maladaptive, meaning an inability to relate to people, a “tuning out” of others. Extreme dependence can mean a hypersensitivity to other people’s reactions from an egocentric rather than a shared point of view.

We see unhealthy dependence when people lean on others for activities they can or ought to be able to do for themselves, when they try to maintain a relationship through weakness rather than through a more egalitarian interdependence, or where they are tuned into the evaluative response of people and are so afraid of being rejected by others that they cannot assert themselves or act aggressively.

Independence develops from prior dependence and is probably related to self-confidence. Independence in achievement behaviors results from learning that one can accomplish by oneself, can rely upon one’s own abilities, can trust one’s own judgment, and can become invested in a task for its own sake. Similarly, healthy interdependent interpersonal relationships seem to call upon the ability to trust the other person and upon the confidence that allows one to permit the other person to come close, to be dependent, to love, and even to reject.

Failure to achieve independence can result from numerous experiences of frustration. Continuing dependence results from frustration of attempts to be independent or the continuous reinforcement of dependent behaviors. I have children in mind especially. I have been tremendously impressed with the push toward independence in young, normal children. My impression is that in the first two years of life independence is begun simply by the child being allowed to do those things that he wants to do by himself. I suspect that the imperative, “Me, do!” in words or actions generally accompanies early motoric, cognitive, and feeding attempts. In this case, the frustration is of the early attempts at independence.

Children with very different characteristics are likely to use similar dependent behavior for ameliorative defense. Motives that result in dependent behavior can include the need for power, the expression of aggression, the enhancement of self-esteem, and the grasping of affection.

It seems to me that independence is achieved when the child (or adult) is able to see himself as generally successful in achieving goals. The goal may be cognitive, or motoric, or interpersonal--what matters is not so much the content of the goal as the nature of the resolution. . . . As children grow older, the nature of the crises and goals changes, but the important question seems to be whether the parent has the patience to allow the child to solve the problem for herself or himself. It seems to me that we underrate the independence motive in children. When they try to dress themselves, comb their hair, color a picture, clean their room, finish a puzzle, they are not only mimicking adult behavior, identifying with suitable people, improving specific skills--they are also, in numerous and diverse ways, teaching themselves that they have skills and that they can cope (more or less) all by themselves. The child who is confident in his abilities and who explores the world and his skills from the basis of a secure parental affection is less likely to use dependent behavior as a means of punishing, exploiting, and manipulating. That child will be slower to use dependent behavior in order to master tasks because he will try to perform the tasks himself before asking for help. And that child will enjoy affection but he will not need it in continuous doses in order to reassure himself that he exists and is estimable. Does a child do things in order to be rewarded, praised, or even punished (at least that’s some sort of attention), or does he do it for himself and then share the pleasure of accomplishment with someone else?

Children, like adults, are never entirely independent. There are always critically important persons whose love and esteem are essential. There are narrow margins for success and failure here because a parent rewarding dependence is seen as loving whereas his consistent training for independence can be perceived as rejection. For example, when a child comes home and says, “Somebody hit me!” the mother who responds with “Oh, my poor dear” fosters dependence, and the mother who says “Who hit first?” may be fostering guilt, and the mother who says “what happened?” and hasn’t taken sides, may be fostering independence. In different proportions, an emphasis on the “What happened?” response with only a bit of the other two is likely to result in a child who leans on himself first and who looks for objective criteria to assess life’s happenings. . . .

Dependent children feel less adequate and are less able to try to cope by themselves. A lack of independent achieving results in less adequate coping techniques, less self-confidence, and a continued need for support from others. The child who is pushed or encouraged to cope by herself is more likely to experience the satisfaction of achieving by herself. If the child is frequently successful she will develop confidence in herself and have a self-concept that includes, or depends upon, independent coping. . . .

Perhaps the critical issue is, to what extent and in what ways is the child encouraged or forced to perceive herself as a separate person responsible for her own behavior, and to what extent have adult help and affection discouraged this development?

Tina de Varon, “Growing Up”

In childhood, disturbances caused by emotions can be soothed by actions from parents. When a child is sad, he is picked up and comforted. When he has nightmares, he goes and sleeps with Mom or Dad. Disturbing emotions that a child has can be taken care of by simple actions or explanations from parents.

In adolescence, parents lose their power to comfort or explain away fears, because emotions are more demanding and powerful. When he is unhappy, the adolescent himself must understand the emotions behind this unhappiness before he can be happy again. For example, if I feel crushed because a good friend has gone off to spend the weekend with another friend, I have to work this out myself so that I can cease to feel abandoned and lonely. I may go out and see another friend. This shows me that I am capable of having other friends also; that I can survive without my good friend just as she can survive without me.

Also, as the adolescent grows more independent his or her values begin to differ sharply. Often now, I feel that I must not talk about some of my problems with my parents, because they would think of a totally different solution than one that would be appropriate for me. This would only confuse me. I must figure out for myself what I want out of the situation that presents the problem. No one can do this for me, certainly not my parents.

When I was about twelve, I was very afraid of death. I didn’t see the point in living if I was going to die. I used to cry and cry for my parents’ attention, but they couldn’t take away this fear from me; they were helpless. The strength they had had in dissolving my childhood fears was gone. I had to come to an understanding of death on my own. Even though I knew they couldn’t help, I think I kept on crying in order to prove to them and to myself that they were unable to stop my crying, that they were helpless this time and it was my problem. This loss of their power was disturbing to both my parents and me. I felt anxious; a lonely, sick feeling would come easily. I’m sure they also felt very frustrated, and for a while just did not know how to help me. This loss of power has been beneficial, in that it has forced me to search for my understanding of me and of life, independence of my parents.

Now I will make a rash and subjective statement, and say that parents of adolescents must be as clever and perceptive as possible. It is their responsibility to decide whether the child is mature enough to carry through with what she wants to do, that is, whether or not to let her do things like going out alone, staying out late, and traveling alone. If they let her do anything without questioning, she could easily feel abandoned and that nobody gives a damn. From there, she could easily feel that growing up is too much for her to handle, that it is just not worth all the trouble. On the other hand, if parents don’t let the adolescent be on her own enough, she may feel that they are not allowing her to grow up. She is not only trapped into coming home at 10:30, but she is also trapped into not being able to explore her limits and feelings about herself. She is using someone else’s limits, and she is afraid she will start feeling someone else’s feelings also. Parents should try and understand this stress, and assess the amount of the child’s knowledge of himself or herself. Parents should support, by being willing listeners and not trying to measure the adolescent by their own values. This is something that I think should happen more than it does.